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| A Movie Poster for Sonic the Hedgehog |
A
massive nonsensical wonder of oversimplified, forced plot, high school level
writing, less than zero grip on reality, and irritating character dynamics, the
overly hyper Sonic the Hedgehog serves as the absolute warning of what happens
when you do crack, meth, and speed all at once.
In
the late 1980s and early 1990s, primitive videogame graphics focused on easily
rendered heroes. Sega scored an absolute hit with a superfast neon blue
hedgehog named Sonic who traveled with a two-tailed fox and craved gold rings
whilst fighting the evil Dr. Robotnik. The Sonic franchise was later branched
out into cartoons and comics with some success, before petering out about 2005.
Today, in 2020, Hollywood has revived this franchise, as they are wont to do
with seemingly every creation of yesteryear.
The
film follows our titular hero, Sonic the Hedgehog (voice and facial motion
capture provided by (Ben Schwartz) as he spends
approximately two and a half minutes growing up on a home planet that is
clearly of no concern, and then flees to earth where he engages in unhealthy
stalker tendencies of a rural police officer, Tom Wachowski (James Marsden),
and his wife Maddie (Tika Sumpter), all the while acting more hyper
than Billy Mays and Oxiclean commercial. Sonic has a baseball-fueled hissy fit,
which draws the attention of the very poorly represented military establishment
and the evil mad scientist Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik (Jim Carrey, who needs to
fire his agent pronto). Poorly written hijinks ensue, loaded with fourth-grade
jokes, bar fights, and admittedly cool robotics.
Approximately the first
third or half of the film is mess, with unbelievable reactions on the parts of
all of the characters. Admit it: if you suddenly found a neon blue CGI
character constantly by your side, you would run for the hills or try to kill
it. In no time flat, Wachowski becomes best buddies with such a creature. While
these character relationships do not make sense, they are fun to watch, and
should provide many laughs for the children. However, the now adult geeks who
grew up with this franchise will find the absolute lack of maturity a turnoff.
Robotnik vacillates
between being a comedic foil, a despot, and a thoroughly insane ball of
nonsense. The military brass in the film admit that there is absolutely no
reason for him to get involved, and that he is a bona fide nutcase, yet they
call him in anyway. Robotnik is a master of robotics and drone technology, a
plot device which shows much potential, and actually looks quite cool on
screen. Nevertheless, his lack of character consistency and irritatingly
repulsive unlikability will put anyone off of liking the portrayal. For his
sins, Robotnik ends the film trapped in a poorly conceived Mario World satire.
Even for buddies in a
chase film, Sonic and Wachowski are forced into unrealistic and even offensive
situations. Sonic consistently does things in his own worst interest, because
he is so hyper and immature. At one point, he drags Wachowski to an all-night
roadhouse by the side of the highway and shreds the film’s credibility even
further by posing as a child and then a person with a skin deformity while
doing the most clichéd things such as completing a bucket list, starting
fights, and pulling pranks. Maddie’s sister Rachel (Natasha
Rothwell) is an obnoxiously racist stereotype of a fretting, squealing,
screeching black woman that is out of place in the year 2020. Endless
unbelievable situations present themselves, from people who look the other way
when confronted with potential abducted children to the chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff giving out Olive Garden gift cards to national heroes. The good
news is that children will not know the difference, and the writing is about at
their level, so they should have a blast.
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| Sonic Before and After Re-Rendering |
It must be recognized
that a significant amount of money and time was spent completely re-rendering
the Sonic character, and endeavored that Paramount spent a great deal of money
on. In fact, this controversy and other poor decisions forced the 3D animation
studio they contracted with to go under and close up shop. It will take a
significant number of box office receipts to remake the money spent on this
film. And, despite the studio’s greatest efforts, the animation just isn’t
top-notch.
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| What We All Really Want: The Game of Decades Past |
After viewing this film,
one will understand the fever dream that prompted Hunter S. Thompson to write
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Sonic the Hedgehog is more like a bad acid trip
than a coherent creation.
Rating: 31%, or 3/10, or
2/5.
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